back on track?

i just don't know how to break this cycle. i am feeling quite beaten right now. every night i say tomorrow i will get back on track. then i eat a bunch of crap because it will be my last night to eat it. then every tomorrow i get up and mess right back up again. i am not stupid. i know how to eat well. i know what is good and bad for you nutritionally speaking. i know what good choices are and what they can do for my well being. i just don't make them. i tell myself to just do it, and then i don't. i once was told to quit whining about it and just do it. it should be that simple. it isn't. i don't know why. i don't know how to make myself follow my own good intentions. it's like i am in a constant struggle with my own self and it is endless and ridiculous. how do you just push away from the table? how do you just not hit the fridge after the rest of the family is in bed? oh that is right, i am just supposed to do it....but for some reason i won't, or can't.
my heart feels heavy and broken. i just don't know what to do.
i went with a family member to a bariatric surgery seminar tonight just as a ride and moral support. technically i am not troubled enough medically for surgery to be an option for me so i was just listening and then they passed out these little bmi charts...and i will be damned if i am not morbidly obese! sweet. that is all i needed. so after i left there i stopped at mcd's and got a mcdouble and fries and a cola. then i came home and ate more. all while telling myself...well what was i telling myself...it really doesn't matter because obviously i am not listening. i just don't know how. i have a headache. it is my smallest baby's first day of preschool tomorrow and i am feeling emotional anyway, on top of husband pulling a psycho moment of crazy anger at me for no reason at the dinner table. i don't think there is anyway to stop my emotional eating. the frat boy in my head just said muzzle. i punched his face, but sadly i felt a little in agreement.
crap, tears.
confused girl out, peace

ugh

well if you wonder why i haven't been posting...it's because my hands have been too busy putting food in my face to type.
i have been terrified to say what i have been eating for the past two weeks and how i have been feeling.
somehow i have maintained a 6 pound weightloss, of course that was before today so who knows where i am at now.
i have not been at my best. i have tried to care but sometimes i just don't.
will i get back on track tomorrow? i am hoping so.