yesterday and today

no breakfast
lunch at mcdonalds - side salad with balsamic vin. angus snack wrap that i scraped the mayo off of and only one stolen chicken nugget from my girls
snack - coffee with one cream
dinner - all you can eat bbq at youngers, but not only did i not eat all i could eat, i didnt even eat all i wanted to eat which is a big step. i had a small chicken breast, 2 pork ribs, couple bites of beans, some kick ass potato salad, vinegar based cole slaw and a slice of watermelon and a bite of cornbread. oh i did bite husbands pizza...soo good there.
not too bad of a day
today could have been better, but still not too bad
breakfast - nonfat iced mocha from mcd's and an egg mcmuffin. yes i had an egg mcmuffin but let me tell you that bad boy is loaded with protein for the calories it packs and it actually is a nice rounded breakfast. i also only ate half the ham
lunch - we tried out chube's a new place in town with an unfortunate name. LOVED it. husband and i split a beef sandwich on sour dough with peppers and onions and fresh provalone. they use all organic and hormone free kind of stuff there...oh it was so good. we also split a small bag of bettermade bbq chips...sigh. then i had a small cup of ice cream...no cone...but this ice cream is the real stuff, heavy and creamy and it had miniature buckeyes in it so i am sure it was loaded with no good, but according to frankel, might as well have the real stuff in moderation. i think i would have done her proud today. oh and splitting a sammy and side with the husband is totally frankel fashion and the nice people behind the counter split it for us so i didn't even have to worry about it.
dinner is where i might have done a bit of damage. bucemis pizza, 3 slices, and we are talking deep dish here. i will interject at this time that ususally i eat way more than 3 slices so i am heading toward a better place. but then i had an ass ton of bbq baked lays. i need to watch baked lays because they will be the death of me being naturally thin.
the husband and children are camping out in the backyard tonight and making some smores...i won't be partaking because frankly i am full, and i already had ice cream today so i don't need anymore sweets. looking forward to a quiet house to sleep in...

what did i feed this face today

ho hum
breakfast - nada
lunch - some organic white bean and bacon soup
snack - 1 chocolate chip cookie and a ghiardelli caramel filled chocolate. oh and some popcorn, oh and a few swigs of my daughter's dr. pepper...but seriously only a few sips and only a handful of the popcorn.
dinner - one small glass of red wine and some drunken noodle, not as little as i should have eaten, but not as much as i usually would have
snack - coffee and a bit of milk
it is 1:20 am and i am tired and hungry because of all the talk of melty peanut butter and banana sandwiches. not gonna eat anything but i will be dreaming about it....

breaking the coke(a cola) habit

i have done it for little stints here and there but an icy cold mcdonalds coca cola is calling my name right now. i don't know if it is just because i am seriously broke right now and dealing with a little anxiety and my intense need for comfort food that i don't have around the house, or if there really is something about that little drink that makes me have to have it.
i am serioulsy thinking of running and getting one...oh and i have cramps as well and that doesn't help.
i read another chapter of naturally thin today and i thought i was feeling all inspired and strong, and then i just broke down.
here is the damage i have done so far today, with no end in sight:
no breakfast
lunch: salad with leftover steak, pita, cukes, carrots and honey lime vinaigrette homemade
snack: pretzles with hummus, then some more pretzles and then a few more. i actually left a couple in the bag, but not many
dinner: steak soft tacos...4 of them. yes 4 of them. sure they were small, and i only used 3 thin strips of beef on each one, no sour cream and plenty of salsa, but i still devoured 4 of them and i wasn't even that hungry. i just want to eat today. i dont want a damn salad, i don't want anymore pretzles, i want something like mashed potatoes or a hamburger and a chocolate shake...at least one freaking icy cold coca cola!!!

aaarrrggghhh

ok just when you think it is safe to go back into the kitchen. i am like on a mad binge phase and i keep trying to check myself before i wreck myself but i just don't have the will to fight myself right now. here is the rundown of what i ate today
no breakfast, just some tea
flat tire on side of road
salad with just a sprinkle of cheese, carrots, pita and 1 chicken nugget and balsamic vinaigrette, then 1 bite of a hamburger and then one more chicken nugget when candie went to the bathroom
somewhere in the middle of this and dinner i ate half a bag of baked cheddar and sour cream ruffles (i can't stop until they are gone) and some pita chips with hummus
dinner was about 6 oz, maybe a bit less of steak, another big salad with no cheese and add cucumber, same dressing, and a few bites of cheese and broccoli rice.
doesn't really look like that much when i write it down actually. but right now it feels like it. i feel like i must be missing something somewhere because my stomach is so full...maybe i am just tired. i need my children to get in bed so i can curl up and drown my sorrows in sleep.

how am i doing now?

to answer your question...wait let me run and hit the scale...oh not as bad as i thought. i am currently down 4 pounds from my starting weight so at least i haven't gained it all back. i have not been doing very well at all. i have followed basically one rule and that is to not clean my plate. i also have been having it all but not all at once, but i have been eating a bunch of crap, at least smaller portions of it. today i will get back on track. i am going to follow the weekly guide and push through it. i have to look kick ass by halloween, ok at least closer to kick ass, so i can rock my costume. and yes i will be dealing with one rule a day, or maybe two, that seems doable. i did it for 2 weeks before so i should be able to do it for more this time.
damn mcdonalds for having those awesome little storybook madame alexander dolls that i am addicted to...i need to get them all before they are gone. but one nice thing about that is i have been ordering happy meals for myself  and finding they are totally satisfying. that is far less than what i would normally eat from that place so i count this as a win of epic proportions:)
denial girl is out, peace

epic fail they name is myrtle beach

ok so after my last inspiring blog about how i knew that i could forward positively, i ate my body weight at a seafood buffet roughly the size of a walmart with full size ships in the middle hosting every kind of fried seafood available.
the decent news is i only gained 3 pounds back, proving the south really does rise again. i really thought i would gain all 6 back with a few extra just to prove how awesome my eating habits were down there.
the even better news is that i am not going to throw everything away just because i binged out this weekend. i am back to reality and willing to start over, or i guess continue after this little bump in the road (ok not really a bump, more like one of the mountain tops in west virginia).
i'm going to dig my nose back into naturally thin and start with the weekly plan. i think i will also start to focus on one rule a day to really try to learn it, and own it.
determined girl out, peace

you can have it all, just not all at once...unless you are me

so i am in a hotel in north carolina and made my first good choice in 2 days. yesterday we spent about 12 hours on the road and with a time crunch we stopped at some not so good places to eat. not to say that i did not have good choices, i just failed to make them. i did that autopilot thing again where i just eat without thinking and when i do think about it and tell myself to put it down somehow it still makes it to my mouth. i was stressed out and tired and feeling a little anxious and decided to stuff myself to a point well past fullness that i haven't felt in 2 weeks. i didn't like it. and all that work i did leading up to this is a joke if i don't keep moving forward in a positive way. i knew last night that i would not make a repeat of yesterday again. it does not matter if i am on vacation, i can eat yummy things, in moderation and partner them with super good things that are good for me as well. i have done it before and i can do it again.
this am we hit to the road to myrtle beach and i started with a high protien breakfast of an english muffin with a tbsp of peanut butter and some banana and i had some scrambled eggs. decaf coffee and skim milk. i am back on track.
one of bethenney's rules is you can have it all just not all at once and that means if you want some cheeseburger have one(a half would be better) but just don't get the fries, add a salad or some veggies, or better yet get something better for you and have a bite of someone else's burger. then if i find i am not cutting my burger in half or i go into autopilot and start shoving cold chicken nuggets in my face because they are there i have to remember the other rule about checking myself before i wreck myself . i am in control of me, my emotions, although strong, do not feed me...i do.
determined girl out, peace