funny, the things that make you want to eat

so we have been trying real hard to buy a business and banks just won't give us the money...so now I want ice cream, and doritos, not necessarily at the same time, but pretty close to each other. I can't even say for sure I really really want those things, but I kinda do. why does bad news sap the strength from  you? why shouldn't I take this time and let this empower me? now I have time to do so much more without being stuck on the phone with bank after bank. now I can get on that elliptical trainer that sits in my basement, staring at me longingly...I could redo some part of the house that desperately needs redoing...I could read a book, I really like books...
but all I really want is ice cream...and doritos...

the fresh 20 - 20 healthy ingredients, 5 healthy meals

let me tell you how much I love the fresh 20...I LOVE it!!!
I signed up with a groupon so I could get a whole year of dinner plans for only $25 bucks...that is like having a mini nutritionist tell you what to eat for dinner for $25 bucks!
So let me explain a little. the fresh 20 is this great website started by a husband and wife team to help make it easier for us to eat clean, green and healthy. You pick a meal plan, normal, gluten free or veggie and then you can download shopping lists, prep lists and recipes for a week of dinners. I think they have breakfasts and lunches too, and a book and whatnot, but I need to make it easy as possible and we are cereal and soupers for breakfast and lunches so I went with just the dinners.
I decided to opt for the gluten free version, although I am not positive that we have any gluten allergies here, we have enough health problems that I figured what the hay.
So every Sunday I download this real easy shopping list, with 20 ingredients and only the exact number of what you need, makes shopping a breeze and really isn't very expensive, I have actually dropped my weekly shopping bill by like 30 bucks. Anyway so you get the shopping list, then the prep list for do ahead things then the recipes for the week. For the most part, my family has loved all the dinners we have made, and at least tolerated the rest. SOme things taste just like it came from a restaurant!
Since we have been following this every week I have noticed some health benefits. Since I supplement all my meals with things like ice cream and butter and bread and coookies...well I can't say I've noticed weight loss from it, but when I am behaving I know it actually minuses some pounds. But things I have noticed for sure are just my overall health. I feel better. I look better, my skin has been glowy and clear, and I am craving greens....that's right, it really is me I swear, but I have been craving kale like a mo fo. I mean today for lunch I had sautéed kale with evoo, garlic and balsamic...yes that was my lunch...
so peeps, I know I have a family of adventurous eaters, I am lucky that way, but I bet the normal version would work for most of your families. It really is a great website and wonderful tool. I highly recommend it.
xoxo
the fresh 20

They're Real Honey

Ok so the best mascara ever...EVER! They're real by benefit. I can put on two coats and my lashes are thick and sexy and maybe they don't look like falsies (um by the way, that is the name of another mascara that does NOT work) but they look freaking fantastic. I hate curling my lashes because, well, I'm clumsy and I always end up hurting myself with those dang things. This actually looks like it curls my lashes and I really really heart that.
So this stuff is about $23 bucks depending on where you buy it, but listen, if I say it's worth it...I mean it's worth it.
xoxo

Dr. LeWinn by Kinerase

So this was a product i got to try through bzzagent.com.
The promise was less wrinkles in 14 days of continues and perfect use(not their words, mine). i did try my best to use the cream morning and night but mostly failed at the nighttime portion...when it's time for momma to sleep it's time for momma to sleep.
i took a before and after pic of my eye area, but there really is no need to post because there was not really any change to see. maybe i am beyond wrinkly repair...which makes me cry because i am only 37, and crying makes the situation worse in any case.
but before you think this is a rant, let me say i really do love this cream. First of all, it has a 30spf! i have to have facial cream with sunscreen so this is a big plus for me. but i also need it to do its job and i will say this cream makes my face feel baby bottom smooth...i adore it. it's not greasy and you don't need to use a ton and those are both big plusses in my book. (did the word plusses look very strange to you too?)
the eye cream i could kind of do without. i was careful not to use too close to my eyes but it seemed to get into my eyes anyway, maybe that is a fault in the way i apply it, not sure. it's not that the cream itself was bad, my eyes may have looked a little brighter, but since they were stinging and filled with my normal mom tiredness anyway it was hard to tell. i'm sure it would be a good eye cream for some but it just isn't for me.
all that being said i give the 30spf facial moisturizer a big thumbs up and i will be using it instead of my olay for now.

so, yeah...i'm going to have to have you stop eating

I went to the dr becasue i know i have fatty infiltrate in my liver and i have a complex mass on my thyroid (ahh the joys of being able to ultasound myself) and he ran a full blood panel and my thyroid is ok(thank goodness) but my liver is not. dammit liver. i have elevated liver enzymes, which i pretty much figured and my cholestrol is stupid high and my good cholesterol is wicked low. i also should mention i am heavier than i have ever been. so the dr told me to go on south beach. i have never wanted to and i have resisted for a while, but i am really screwed right now so i started southbeach yesterday. i am down 5 pounds...that is right...in one day. of course that may just be a testament to how bad i normally eat. i can tell you when i knew i was going to start on monday i used saturday to eat everything i saw. i had a tubbys mushroom steak and cheese sub, cheesesticks, and breaded mushrooms, i have several icy cold coca colas and double cheeseburger a few garlic knots and a whole medium pizza with bacon...yes i ate the whole thing. sunday i felt sooo bad i coulnd't even look at fried food. i had a salad for lunch and then i did have some dirty rice and i can't remember what else for dinner, but i definately slowed down my eating.
so yesterday for day one of southbeach i had...i don't remember what for breakfast then i had soup for lunch some celery with peanut butter, and asston of pickles and cheese and for dinner i had a kickass sheperds pie from south beach with edamame and cauliflower and it was soooo good. oh i had some v8 as well as a few glasses of milk.
so far today i have had an omelet that i put giardieniera and cheese in(sounds weird but it was so good) coffee without cream(yes i did that) and now for lunch i am having leftover kickass pie and some milk. i feel satisfied. only day 2 but i am starting this out as positive as i can.

back on track?

i just don't know how to break this cycle. i am feeling quite beaten right now. every night i say tomorrow i will get back on track. then i eat a bunch of crap because it will be my last night to eat it. then every tomorrow i get up and mess right back up again. i am not stupid. i know how to eat well. i know what is good and bad for you nutritionally speaking. i know what good choices are and what they can do for my well being. i just don't make them. i tell myself to just do it, and then i don't. i once was told to quit whining about it and just do it. it should be that simple. it isn't. i don't know why. i don't know how to make myself follow my own good intentions. it's like i am in a constant struggle with my own self and it is endless and ridiculous. how do you just push away from the table? how do you just not hit the fridge after the rest of the family is in bed? oh that is right, i am just supposed to do it....but for some reason i won't, or can't.
my heart feels heavy and broken. i just don't know what to do.
i went with a family member to a bariatric surgery seminar tonight just as a ride and moral support. technically i am not troubled enough medically for surgery to be an option for me so i was just listening and then they passed out these little bmi charts...and i will be damned if i am not morbidly obese! sweet. that is all i needed. so after i left there i stopped at mcd's and got a mcdouble and fries and a cola. then i came home and ate more. all while telling myself...well what was i telling myself...it really doesn't matter because obviously i am not listening. i just don't know how. i have a headache. it is my smallest baby's first day of preschool tomorrow and i am feeling emotional anyway, on top of husband pulling a psycho moment of crazy anger at me for no reason at the dinner table. i don't think there is anyway to stop my emotional eating. the frat boy in my head just said muzzle. i punched his face, but sadly i felt a little in agreement.
crap, tears.
confused girl out, peace

ugh

well if you wonder why i haven't been posting...it's because my hands have been too busy putting food in my face to type.
i have been terrified to say what i have been eating for the past two weeks and how i have been feeling.
somehow i have maintained a 6 pound weightloss, of course that was before today so who knows where i am at now.
i have not been at my best. i have tried to care but sometimes i just don't.
will i get back on track tomorrow? i am hoping so.