back on track?

i just don't know how to break this cycle. i am feeling quite beaten right now. every night i say tomorrow i will get back on track. then i eat a bunch of crap because it will be my last night to eat it. then every tomorrow i get up and mess right back up again. i am not stupid. i know how to eat well. i know what is good and bad for you nutritionally speaking. i know what good choices are and what they can do for my well being. i just don't make them. i tell myself to just do it, and then i don't. i once was told to quit whining about it and just do it. it should be that simple. it isn't. i don't know why. i don't know how to make myself follow my own good intentions. it's like i am in a constant struggle with my own self and it is endless and ridiculous. how do you just push away from the table? how do you just not hit the fridge after the rest of the family is in bed? oh that is right, i am just supposed to do it....but for some reason i won't, or can't.
my heart feels heavy and broken. i just don't know what to do.
i went with a family member to a bariatric surgery seminar tonight just as a ride and moral support. technically i am not troubled enough medically for surgery to be an option for me so i was just listening and then they passed out these little bmi charts...and i will be damned if i am not morbidly obese! sweet. that is all i needed. so after i left there i stopped at mcd's and got a mcdouble and fries and a cola. then i came home and ate more. all while telling myself...well what was i telling myself...it really doesn't matter because obviously i am not listening. i just don't know how. i have a headache. it is my smallest baby's first day of preschool tomorrow and i am feeling emotional anyway, on top of husband pulling a psycho moment of crazy anger at me for no reason at the dinner table. i don't think there is anyway to stop my emotional eating. the frat boy in my head just said muzzle. i punched his face, but sadly i felt a little in agreement.
crap, tears.
confused girl out, peace

ugh

well if you wonder why i haven't been posting...it's because my hands have been too busy putting food in my face to type.
i have been terrified to say what i have been eating for the past two weeks and how i have been feeling.
somehow i have maintained a 6 pound weightloss, of course that was before today so who knows where i am at now.
i have not been at my best. i have tried to care but sometimes i just don't.
will i get back on track tomorrow? i am hoping so.

yesterday and today

no breakfast
lunch at mcdonalds - side salad with balsamic vin. angus snack wrap that i scraped the mayo off of and only one stolen chicken nugget from my girls
snack - coffee with one cream
dinner - all you can eat bbq at youngers, but not only did i not eat all i could eat, i didnt even eat all i wanted to eat which is a big step. i had a small chicken breast, 2 pork ribs, couple bites of beans, some kick ass potato salad, vinegar based cole slaw and a slice of watermelon and a bite of cornbread. oh i did bite husbands pizza...soo good there.
not too bad of a day
today could have been better, but still not too bad
breakfast - nonfat iced mocha from mcd's and an egg mcmuffin. yes i had an egg mcmuffin but let me tell you that bad boy is loaded with protein for the calories it packs and it actually is a nice rounded breakfast. i also only ate half the ham
lunch - we tried out chube's a new place in town with an unfortunate name. LOVED it. husband and i split a beef sandwich on sour dough with peppers and onions and fresh provalone. they use all organic and hormone free kind of stuff there...oh it was so good. we also split a small bag of bettermade bbq chips...sigh. then i had a small cup of ice cream...no cone...but this ice cream is the real stuff, heavy and creamy and it had miniature buckeyes in it so i am sure it was loaded with no good, but according to frankel, might as well have the real stuff in moderation. i think i would have done her proud today. oh and splitting a sammy and side with the husband is totally frankel fashion and the nice people behind the counter split it for us so i didn't even have to worry about it.
dinner is where i might have done a bit of damage. bucemis pizza, 3 slices, and we are talking deep dish here. i will interject at this time that ususally i eat way more than 3 slices so i am heading toward a better place. but then i had an ass ton of bbq baked lays. i need to watch baked lays because they will be the death of me being naturally thin.
the husband and children are camping out in the backyard tonight and making some smores...i won't be partaking because frankly i am full, and i already had ice cream today so i don't need anymore sweets. looking forward to a quiet house to sleep in...

what did i feed this face today

ho hum
breakfast - nada
lunch - some organic white bean and bacon soup
snack - 1 chocolate chip cookie and a ghiardelli caramel filled chocolate. oh and some popcorn, oh and a few swigs of my daughter's dr. pepper...but seriously only a few sips and only a handful of the popcorn.
dinner - one small glass of red wine and some drunken noodle, not as little as i should have eaten, but not as much as i usually would have
snack - coffee and a bit of milk
it is 1:20 am and i am tired and hungry because of all the talk of melty peanut butter and banana sandwiches. not gonna eat anything but i will be dreaming about it....

breaking the coke(a cola) habit

i have done it for little stints here and there but an icy cold mcdonalds coca cola is calling my name right now. i don't know if it is just because i am seriously broke right now and dealing with a little anxiety and my intense need for comfort food that i don't have around the house, or if there really is something about that little drink that makes me have to have it.
i am serioulsy thinking of running and getting one...oh and i have cramps as well and that doesn't help.
i read another chapter of naturally thin today and i thought i was feeling all inspired and strong, and then i just broke down.
here is the damage i have done so far today, with no end in sight:
no breakfast
lunch: salad with leftover steak, pita, cukes, carrots and honey lime vinaigrette homemade
snack: pretzles with hummus, then some more pretzles and then a few more. i actually left a couple in the bag, but not many
dinner: steak soft tacos...4 of them. yes 4 of them. sure they were small, and i only used 3 thin strips of beef on each one, no sour cream and plenty of salsa, but i still devoured 4 of them and i wasn't even that hungry. i just want to eat today. i dont want a damn salad, i don't want anymore pretzles, i want something like mashed potatoes or a hamburger and a chocolate shake...at least one freaking icy cold coca cola!!!

aaarrrggghhh

ok just when you think it is safe to go back into the kitchen. i am like on a mad binge phase and i keep trying to check myself before i wreck myself but i just don't have the will to fight myself right now. here is the rundown of what i ate today
no breakfast, just some tea
flat tire on side of road
salad with just a sprinkle of cheese, carrots, pita and 1 chicken nugget and balsamic vinaigrette, then 1 bite of a hamburger and then one more chicken nugget when candie went to the bathroom
somewhere in the middle of this and dinner i ate half a bag of baked cheddar and sour cream ruffles (i can't stop until they are gone) and some pita chips with hummus
dinner was about 6 oz, maybe a bit less of steak, another big salad with no cheese and add cucumber, same dressing, and a few bites of cheese and broccoli rice.
doesn't really look like that much when i write it down actually. but right now it feels like it. i feel like i must be missing something somewhere because my stomach is so full...maybe i am just tired. i need my children to get in bed so i can curl up and drown my sorrows in sleep.

how am i doing now?

to answer your question...wait let me run and hit the scale...oh not as bad as i thought. i am currently down 4 pounds from my starting weight so at least i haven't gained it all back. i have not been doing very well at all. i have followed basically one rule and that is to not clean my plate. i also have been having it all but not all at once, but i have been eating a bunch of crap, at least smaller portions of it. today i will get back on track. i am going to follow the weekly guide and push through it. i have to look kick ass by halloween, ok at least closer to kick ass, so i can rock my costume. and yes i will be dealing with one rule a day, or maybe two, that seems doable. i did it for 2 weeks before so i should be able to do it for more this time.
damn mcdonalds for having those awesome little storybook madame alexander dolls that i am addicted to...i need to get them all before they are gone. but one nice thing about that is i have been ordering happy meals for myself  and finding they are totally satisfying. that is far less than what i would normally eat from that place so i count this as a win of epic proportions:)
denial girl is out, peace

epic fail they name is myrtle beach

ok so after my last inspiring blog about how i knew that i could forward positively, i ate my body weight at a seafood buffet roughly the size of a walmart with full size ships in the middle hosting every kind of fried seafood available.
the decent news is i only gained 3 pounds back, proving the south really does rise again. i really thought i would gain all 6 back with a few extra just to prove how awesome my eating habits were down there.
the even better news is that i am not going to throw everything away just because i binged out this weekend. i am back to reality and willing to start over, or i guess continue after this little bump in the road (ok not really a bump, more like one of the mountain tops in west virginia).
i'm going to dig my nose back into naturally thin and start with the weekly plan. i think i will also start to focus on one rule a day to really try to learn it, and own it.
determined girl out, peace

you can have it all, just not all at once...unless you are me

so i am in a hotel in north carolina and made my first good choice in 2 days. yesterday we spent about 12 hours on the road and with a time crunch we stopped at some not so good places to eat. not to say that i did not have good choices, i just failed to make them. i did that autopilot thing again where i just eat without thinking and when i do think about it and tell myself to put it down somehow it still makes it to my mouth. i was stressed out and tired and feeling a little anxious and decided to stuff myself to a point well past fullness that i haven't felt in 2 weeks. i didn't like it. and all that work i did leading up to this is a joke if i don't keep moving forward in a positive way. i knew last night that i would not make a repeat of yesterday again. it does not matter if i am on vacation, i can eat yummy things, in moderation and partner them with super good things that are good for me as well. i have done it before and i can do it again.
this am we hit to the road to myrtle beach and i started with a high protien breakfast of an english muffin with a tbsp of peanut butter and some banana and i had some scrambled eggs. decaf coffee and skim milk. i am back on track.
one of bethenney's rules is you can have it all just not all at once and that means if you want some cheeseburger have one(a half would be better) but just don't get the fries, add a salad or some veggies, or better yet get something better for you and have a bite of someone else's burger. then if i find i am not cutting my burger in half or i go into autopilot and start shoving cold chicken nuggets in my face because they are there i have to remember the other rule about checking myself before i wreck myself . i am in control of me, my emotions, although strong, do not feed me...i do.
determined girl out, peace

day 11, down 6 pounds

pretty cool.
problem is i was doing so well and patting myself on the back and all that and thinking "wow, this is so easy this time" then i think i crashed and burned yesterday.
i found myself a little on the binge side of eating. i did my best to stop it, and when i found myself saying that i had already screwed up for the day so i might as well keep on trucking, i knew that i couldn't and stopped myself from going any further. it wasn't easy. it exhausted me. it was literally being in a boxing ring and not actually punching but doing that little jog thing where you just try to stay out of the other gloves way.
so here is what i ate
breakfast: found a slim fast protein bar in the cupboard and ate that because i was actually hungry in the am. washed it down with a cup of skim milk.
lunch: ikea lunch again, but this time i went the salmon route with some kind of veggie cake thingies and then a few bites of a thin torte that i shared with the kids
then the cookies happened or what i call snack: bought the kids some cookies while in the store to keep them happy. i really wanted to try one so i did, and then that led to like 4 more. what the hell. i was like on autopilot. felt crappy about it
dinner: we talked about food for a long time on the way home and it had me craving a million bad things and i ended up at taco bell. i had cheesy nachos (which i shared with the kids and the few i did eat were doused in salsa from home) then i had a fresco soft taco with beef and then i tried one of the carnitas cantina tacos...which was horrible by the way so i only took 2 bites and moved on. sure you may not think that sounds that bad but i had purchased a mcd's hamburger for my littlest one and she only took a few bites, so once again, on autopilot, i shoved that thing in my mouth. i would have tried to get the other daughters cheese roll up, which i don't even like, but luckily she wouldnt' let me have a bite and when she wasn't looking the dog ate them so i couldn't.
after all that i still felt hungry. i wanted to snack so bad. but i knew i had had enough for the day so i went through another phantom boxing match and won.
god i really want cheddar and sour cream potato chips right now.....
help me

disclaimer reminder

holy cow my spelling is atrocious. i think i should at least try to use the spell check every once in a while for all of your sakes. still no capitals though...not budging.

i like my rice dirty

so i accomplished something pretty amazing for me last night, but i will get to that in a minute. let me start by saying that i am down another pound! that makes 5 in 8 days. not too shabby. anyway, that is just from reading the first half of the book. i have had a hectic few days and have not picked it up in awhile, but never fear my dear frankel i will be back. i am feeling pretty positive, which is a fete in iteself.
on to yesterdays good eats
skipped breakfast again, just was not into it and i got into this weird nesting mode where i needed to gut my kitched cupboards and spruce the place up. i did down a ton of water.
lunch was a 6" turkey sub from subway, loaded with veggies. it was on italian, i don't do the whole wheat ther ebecause it has high fructose corn syrup in it and oddly the white doesn't. oh well, score for me. i also did not have the subway lady scoop out the extra bread for me as she already looked pissed that i made her come make me a sub instead of cleaning the tables as she was doing when we walked in. i did have cheese on it but skipped the oil part of the oil and vinegar. also had a bag of baked lays, i am freakin in love with those. i have to get the small bag and then let the spawn share a few. if you ever saw me with a full size bag you would understand...
dinner was where the amazing thing happened. first i had a heaping salad with some balsamic vinaigrette and some gorgonzola. then i had dirty rice made with turkey and not beef. ok i LOVE dirty rice. i usually eat it on inhale mode after dousing it with salt and rooster sauce (siracha for those of you who are not me) anyway, i eat it until the pan is gone. i dont' even register that i am eating it, i just need to keep going and going. so last night i filled my bowl with a modest amount, still with rooster and salt, and i savored it. i paid attention to each bite and enjoyed it. i was full after one bowl and did not have seconds! i couldnt believe myself.  of course today i ate the leftovers for luch without a salad first and i did finish them off, but whatever...i did it once and now i know i can do it again.
then later in the night i had my mocha while watching pineapple express...too funny. maybe seth rogan is a little overrated but james franco in that movie is hilarious. i also love the fight scene at red's house. i was loling all by my little lonesome.
tired girl out, peace

zebras are just wild horses aren't they?

yeah i heard that at the zoo today and for some reason it made me want to punch that kid in the head the way he said it so snarkily.
anyway today was good. i had a venti iced mocha today though, but it was nonfat, no whip so sue me.
for lunch had this great antipasto spread that i packed and we ate at the zoo. it consisted of cheese, garlic stuffed olives, some salamino (i only had like 2 slices of that and they were small) and some beet and turnip salad. oh and tons of water
then we had dinner at ikea. sure i could have gotten salmon, but i was at ikea for gods sake so of course i had the meatballs with the potatoes and lingonberry jam. then i had 1/8 of a hazelnut chocolate bar. i also drank nothing but water. oh i did have a few bites of applesauce as well.
let me tell you that right now at ikea kids eat free, so i fed myself and the two girl spawn including drinks and that chocolate bar for 6 bucks. woot woot!

babytastrophes and shopping while hungry and stressed

well yesterday started out well enough. i just wasn't feeling breakfast and must have had a million gallons of water instead.
lunch was good. i made this big heaping salad, but didn't like what i dressed it with, so rather than force feeding it to myself just because it was good for me, i took some of the spinach leaves from it and put it on a hamburger along with some salsa and put that on one of those slim sandwich things. at this time i will have to give a shout out to all of these types of breads. i am a white bread lover, and i do mean lover. i sometimes feel i will die if i don't have a piece of soft or chewy white bread covered in butter or peanut butter. so when these thin little sandwich rounds started popping up i had my doubts. but i adore them. i can eat whole wheat or 8 grain or full o freakin nuts or whatever and i really like them! they are great with burger!
ok so that was lunch.
then my youngest decided to have a head butting fight with a door and mayhem insued. we took her to the hospital where she was quite the trooper and she ended up with only one stitch, but if you are a momma or a daddy and reading this, you know that it probably hurt me much worse then it hurt her.
so we hadn't eaten dinner yet and we promised her cake for being a good girl. my husband kept suggesting horrible resturants to go to, but i really wanted a hot dog so we stopped at one of those fresh fruit market type places and got our shopping on. never shop hungry, or depressed, but somehow i think we did ok. yes we filled our carts with everything we saw, but we planned it not for that night but for other meals as well. something i have never tried to do before, but dammit it worked.
so my dinner ended up a little something like this: mixed salad with gorgonzola and balsamic vinaigrette, a chicken hotdog with mustard on a scooped out bun (thank you ms frankel) satisfied my need for white bread but minus alllll of the guilt. then some sushi, yes i had hotdogs salad and sushi..totally makes sense right?
finished it all off with a berry mousse with amazing fresh berries on top. i count that as my sweet snack for the day. i did clean my plate, my bad, but considering what i usually eat after trauma like watching your 2 year old daughters head bleed like something out of lord of the flies, i did freaking awesome!

just a little thing called breakfast...

this is something i need to talk about. i don't like breakfast. i never really have. i am not hungry first thing in the morning. when i do eat breakfast, espcially if it is a cold cereal or something, i am like ravenously hungry in a few hours. i feel like if i eat in the early am i will eat more throughout the day. i know breakfast is supposed to be the most important meal of the day but it just doesn't seem to work for me. it doesn't work for bethenny either and although she is not a dr or nutritionist she is healthy and doesn't always have breakfast. she makes me not feel so bad about it. i can't force myself to eat in the morning, and like i said, for me in particular it seems to make me eat way more during the day...so i think i will stick to my mochas and almonds and breakfast when the mood strikes me, i just don't want anyone to get all up in my grill because i won't have breakfast on my menu everyday.

resturantaphobia

i don't have it anymore. sure it's been only a week and that is some big talk, but i am a big girl. it used to be when i would start a diet and husband would say, hey let's go out to dinner, i would almost pee my pants. what the hell was i going to do with all those options? there are bad bad things on there and i can't stop myself from ordering them. and there are not ingredients or calorie counts listed so what is there for me?
with this naturally thin thing i can eat anything, i just have to make my choices. we went to rainforest cafe last night for dinner and it was totally easy. i started with a salad with balsamic dressing and then i had the tuscan chicken. yes i did eat the whole thing of mashed potatoes, but it amounted to about a baked potato and it was delish and it made me happy without making me too full. the chicken was grilled and also delish topped with cucumbers and olives. i didn't clean either of my plates, salad or dinner, so i acutally got through a rule. i knew i wanted a few bites of dessert so i didn't eat teh bread that came with my salad, i gave it away right away. i thought it might taste good, but not as good as that chocolate brownie i wanted to get my mouth on. so i ate a little more dessert than i anticipated, but i dont' think i went overboard like i usually would and i got up to take daughter number 2 to the bathroom before the plate was empty and i told husband to have what was left covered before we returned and he complied. overall i think i was on the track to success. it will get easier with time.
oh i should mention i had a mocha for breakfast and for lunch i had...what did i have, oh yeah, the left over quesadillas. i had no snacks yesterday because i just never felt the need.
i also lost one more pound. that makes 4 this week.
sweet

attack of the popcorn

yesterday wasn't too bad. let me say now that i just finished the first part of naturally thin. basically this is the section of the book where she tells you diets are for the birds and she gives you her 10 rules that you need to learn to be a naturally thin person. this second half of the book is the actual "plan". it is not a diet, but basically there is chapter for each day of the week where she kind of walks you through what you should be doing without actually telling you what to eat. I'm starting this chapter today.
just after reading the first half and trying to implement some of the rules i have lost 3 pounds since monday (it's friday). maybe that is retained water, you never know, i haven't touched any soda this week and barely any salt...oh until last night and the popcorn incident (we will get to that in a minute). anyway, water or not, 3 pounds is a decent way to start considering i have not been dieting.
so what did i eat yesterday?
breakfast: totally was not into yesterday but ate a bowl of high fiber cereal. i don't know what it is about cold cereal, but it is like chinese food and it just sets my hunger off and hour later. i think i won't do that anymore.
lunch: some progresso soup. after all the fresh food i was eating this week it actually tasted kind of oily...
snack: 8 grain sandwich thin with some spinach artichoke hummus
snack 2: mmm me time with a skinny mocha, i will alert you at this time that these are decaf. i make them with my cold brewer and they are just fantastic. i really don't think i could get through the day without them.
dinner: steak fajita quesadillas, made at home with 100 calorie tortillas, lean steak, peppers, onions, mushroons sauteed in the rest of the lime vinaigrette from yesterday...so yummy. i broke the don't clean your plate rule and ate the whole thing. it was too delish, but the calorie and fat count were low so i am not beating myself up.
oh here is where things get sketchy...
my sister and i went to the library because we were in this summer reading program and they do this drawing at the end (we both won by the way which was sweet) and the dude librarian comes out with freaking klondike bars and says, and i quote, "dive in!" so i did. it is ok to have whatever you want but you are not supposed to have more than one sweet a day and my mocha counts as that, so i should have skipped the klondike, but it was yummy and i am ok with it. anywho, husband wanted me to pick him up some hot buttered movie theatre popcorn on the way home, bastard. but since i am not supposed to be afraid of any food, i picked it up, and i didn't feel too bad for having a few bites, but then a few bites turned into a few handfuls...plus i was watching a movie so i was mindlessly and repeatedly putting my hand back into that bucket without actually enjoying the popcorn for what it was. oh well, i can't say that will never happen again. i have only been working on this for a few days now and i don't really think this was a set back. even if i did think that, i am not supposed to because whoops, right in the middle of this thought i had to take the dog out to poop so now i am totally sidetracked....
whatever, it is self something or other to tell myself that i screwed up and it could just eat to worse things. naturally thin people eat a little too much popcorn now and again, and they dont' freak about it so neither will i.

what this belly is full of today

7:09 and i made it so far without a binge in sight. sweet
breakfast: my skinny mocha and some almonds...once again i just wasn't that hungry
lunch: salad with balsamic vinaigrette, sandwich thin with chicken, carrots with hummus
dinner: ok i screwed up a tad with 2 turkey italian sausages instead of one, but they were so damn good, salad with this really fantastic asian lime vinaigrette and one ear of corn. i ate a little past full, but not to the point of sick, so i count this as a win.

already over it

so i wrote this long ass post about this shitty stuff that happened today and then i went back and read it and even though it was all true and it felt good to write it, i am over it all ready. sometimes you see what people are really made of, yourself included. you learn to love people more and not worry about others so much. if you know me, that is a big deal for me to even say.
so anyway, i wanted ice cream...on top of a cheeseburger and fries to dip in it and then to wash it down with a chocolate shake. wait wait wait, i want a hamburger with peanut butter on it and fries on the side that i can dip in a chocolate shake. nope that isn't it either. i still want the hamburger with peanut butter on  it but i just want an icy cold coca cola to go with it. well some of the calories whittled away, but the emotional bad eating need did not. my whole point is that i didn't eat anything. i recognized why i wanted the bad stuff or not so much bad, just that i wanted anything at all, and then i checked myself. did i really want that stuff because i wanted it, or because i needed to fill some kind of emotional gap. after a few tug of wars with my stomach and my heart, i realized it was emotional and had nothing to do with any of those foods. right now while i am writing i am hungry, real hunger, but that is because it is almost dinner time. that actually makes me feel good.

today was a little harder...

for some reason i was ravenously hungry today. not sure of the cause...boredom...maybe because i swam today and i always want to eat after that, or maybe i was just hungry.
breakfast: my skinny mocha and a handful of almonds (just not that hungry)
lunch: some deli turkey on one of those sandwich thins and a side of carrots and spinach artichoke hummus
snack: more carrot and hummus ( i know we are not supposed to have the same thing twice in a day but it was so good and that is what i wanted and i listened to my food voice) and another mocha
dinner: wedge salad with a drizzle of ranch, bleu cheese and bacon pieces, tilapia in evoo s&p, steamed broccoli and 4 baby gold potatoes (which turned into 5 and then turned into 10 because they were these steam in the bag ones drenched in this bacony, buttery, salty heaven juice) i way overate those and now not only am i full, but i am overstuffed and don't feel that great...
crazy potato lady out, peace

check yourself before you wreck yourself

i have often said that, but never to myself. i am going to start. and i have to share something...i feel calm. usually before i start a diet or a some other food related change, i am terrified. i make sure i know what day i am going to start and then i go out and eat all the food that i know i am no longer able to have. i must gain like 10 pounds just getting ready to lose. i hate being told what i can't have anymore. it's almost like the death of a friend. and then if i go too long without something i end up binging like a mad woman. i think i will not do that anymore. eating the "naturally thin" way, there are no foods off limits. i can still have ice cream, but i have to choose to do it, weigh out my options and eat just enough (bethenny suggests eating treats like ice cream and chips and such in a ramekin to keep portions just right). i like that she says she is not afraid of avacado anymore and can eat a few bites because she knows she will see it again. i think that is brilliant. i am soo terrified when i eat something delish and not exactly good for me that i can never have it again, i eat it all, and lick the damn plate. i don't think i have to do that anymore. no food is going away. i can have it. i just have to learn how to have it.

frankel and beans

so i thought i would give a little background as to why this fat chick chose "naturally thin" to try to get herself under control. well these things are true about me: i hate counting calories, i hate measuring, i hate weighing foods, i hate adding up points, i am lazy, i like real food, i am a binger, i am a grazer, my portion sizes are out of control, i hate supplements and shakes and tiny little meal replacement bars. i have tried nutrisystem, atkins, weight watchers, south beach, you on a diet, a meal replacement program and every odd and end diet in every issue of every magazine. i crash and burn on all of them. most of them leave me feeling deprived and don't leave me feeling even a little bit better about myself. sure i have lost weight on all of them, but after years, i am heavier than i have ever been.
so i'm totally a bethenny frankel fan from the martha stewert apprentice and from real housewives of new york and now bethenny getting married. she is skinny as hell but has  fantastic figure and i like how she uses the word "balls" all the time. well i knew she had the skinny girl margarita and i vaguely remembered her having a "not a diet" book out so i decided to check it out the other day at the bookstore.
the first chapter had me hooked. she basically has these 10 rules that are totally common sense but somehow you need someone like her to tell you to do it and you feel like, "ok, why the eff not?"
they only thing i am not sure of is that i am not allowed to blame anyone else for my eating habits...dammit....one of my rules in life is not to be held accountable for my own actions...puts a crimp in that plan.
anyway, it is only my first day of reading and therefore trying to change my lifestyle, which is good because i already broke two of the 4 rules i have gotten through so far. the first being not to eat while doing anything else (i was eating buttered popcorn while reading that chapter). the next was eating while i was cooking, but, well, i just wasn't ready yet. i did however eat a huge salad before my pizza and i did one thing i have never done before, which is not cut into the second pizza.
so long post, but i thought i should maybe be tracking my eating habits so here are the results for today:
breakfast: yoplus yogurt and a skinny iced mocha i make at home
lunch: lean pocket and fruit salad (thanks candie)
snack: air popped buttered popcorn (not a lot of butter, but real butter nonetheless)
dinner: mixed green salad with cucumber and carrot and italian vinaigrette and then 7, yes, 7, slices of pizza. homemade thin crust with a light fresh tomato sauce, light cheese, mushrooms and the most adorable mini turkey pepperonis.
so overall i don't think it was too bad. while i was overeating my pizza i was very aware i was doing it. and now that it is several hours later i still feel full and sick. that is something i have to remember for next time.
full girl is out, peace

kids say the meanest, yet truest, things

sitting at the table and eating too many slices of pizza, my 4 year old looked at me and told me i made the best pizza ever, and that i was tough, and did i know how she knew i was so tough? because my belly is so big. while i sat staring at her without any way to respond she went on to ask me if i had a baby in my belly. i told her no and she said that i simply had to have a baby in there because i was so fat. she then proceeded to try to make her belly as fat as mine....sweet.

today is the first day....

here i am armed with a home made skinny mocha, a copy of bethenney frankel's naturally thin, and a bunch of chewed on nails. i was looking in the mirror as i was sitting at my bedside and realized that my boobs actually sit on my stomach. i look like i have an innertube attached to the front half of my body. i could set drinks or snacks on it and in actuallity i probably have. in the mirror behind me i see my husband, looking handsome and svelte and for some reason he can still be attracted to me, but i just can't be anymore. frankly i have always been my own biggest fan, but i find i am moving down on the charts on a daily basis. it is just time. i am ready.
i am a big, big girl..almost two big girls, and one of us has to go...so this is my journey...
if you are reading this, just know, i hate capital letters. no idea why, i just do. my grammar may not be perfect, nor my spelling. my language will be off color at times and i am sure to be slightly offensive. but i mean well...
xoxo